First of all, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! I can hardly believe another year has gone by since we had lunch together at mom's house. As a matter of fact, I can't believe so much time has passed since we were kids playing with the fallen bird from its nest as we fed it milk to nourish it, or times we shared from the mission field.
I really appreciated being able to talk with you on various occasions, particularly at Chuck-A-Rama after Ray Johnson's funeral. The passing of a person's life has caused me to search deeply my soul and evaluate my life on how my choices have determined what I am, what I have become, and what I deal with at this time.
I was contemplating the questions I asked you...."So what gives you strength to deal with your difficulties?" "How can I over-come or conquer what I am faced with?"
It occurred to me that the emotional trauma we experienced in our life has had a huge toll on us. Some how I think we are alike in so many ways. We are very sensitive emotionally, we think deeply about issues and relationships...we are perplexed by the seeming paradoxes, inconsistencies, and injustices that are about us. We have been pricked with criticism, sarcasm, and point blank condemnation.
So, "How can I over-come or conquer what I am faced with?" It is largely my thoughts that prevent me from coping with my difficulties. I can't logically put away my concerns or physically change some things, but I can believe in myself, knowing that I am worthwhile. I can have promptings to know what I should do. I need to search out and ask the questions that need the answers. None of my physical appetites can heal the pain....(sleeping too much etc.)...nothing that I depend on physically to sooth me emotionally will take anything away. Potentially they would become a crutch or an added burden. Escape mechanisms only mask the pain and provide momentary pleasure and comfort. Counseling and family and friend support is crucial in healing.
Ultimately healing is couched in what you believe about yourself. Healing comes with forgiveness. Healing comes with the belief in the Savior's atonement for all people.
What do I REALLY believe? I believe that what all of us want is to love and be loved. I believe that I love you with all my heart. I believe that you are a kind, gentle natured man that wants the best for your family masked behind a huge wall. I believe that you want to have close relationships with your children and that they will grow up happy and healthy; that you will be able to provide a relationship with them that you so desperately have needed in your life. I believe you want fairness and equality; I believe you want to provide well for your family so that they won't have to suffer, but that they will be able to experience the good things in life. I believe you work hard, are caring and concerned and are sensitive to the needs of others. I believe you are inclusive and look for others who are without. I believe you try to give to others in need, but can maintain a balance of what you need in your life. I believe you have great work ethics and are striving to do well in your business. I believe in you and me, that we can find confidence and reasons for hope and gladness, and cultivate a spirit of optimism and happiness. I believe we can have impressions to choose what is right in all circumstances. I believe there is a God who truly loves us and if we seek him through prayer and fasting he will draw nearer to us. He can be a way to carry us through the darkness and the confusion, and comfort us in our pain.
I believe there is a way to go forward with confidence and strength, and to be comforted in our grief and disappointments and all that makes us suffer. I believe in the Savior and his atonement - that can heal our wounds and provide a way to escape so many difficulties in this life. I believe it is up to us to come unto him that he may heal us.
The Lord knows us, Roy. He knows our pain. He will have compassion and mercy and love.